5 Twitter Criminals

What is it about Twitter that gets it an astronomical valuation and social media gurus all in a flutter? As with all social media, the clue is the ‘social’ part. Twitter is a social channel that can, if managed well, build vital, more personal, relationships and strong brands. And that’s marketing gold.

But what if it’s not managed well? What far-too-common Twitter crimes are businesses still committing?

The usual suspects…

1. The invisible man (or woman)

THE CHARGE – wilful neglect of a Twitter profile.

It takes minutes to set up a Twitter profile and it’s easy. If you want folks to follow you then anything less than a complete biography, avatar and branded background won’t cut it. The invisible man/ woman prefers anonymity which, to everyone else, looks lazy, unprofessional and untrustworthy.

THE SENTENCE – 10mins easy labour (updating said profile)

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2. The spam monkey

THE CHARGE – going equipped to sell

If an incomplete profile is original sin, then creating a ‘hard sell’ profile is mortal sin. The spam monkey has a Twitter background that screams ‘corporate sales machine’ and has some lame SEO-spam drivel for a handle like “UsedCarsRomford”. Everything about the spam monkey’s Twitter presence is the hard sell. That’s not relationship building, there’s no reason for people to follow, it just screams ‘block’.

Every tweet is a sales pitch, and not even a thinly veiled one. There’s no value being added, no inclusion, no fresh insight or interaction just “buy, buy” which is the quickest route to “bye, bye” and an unfollow.

THE SENTENCE – solitary confinement with no chance of an audience

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3. The Twitternator

THE CHARGE – going equipped to sell

Whether it’s automated tweets or just chunks of 140-character verbal diarrhoea clogging-up the twitter stream – there’s nothing like over-tweeting to get a whole bunch of unfollows. The Twitternator will bombard you – often repeating the same thing and often in hit-and-run sessions with a dozen tweets per minute. Whether it’s over-promoting something, constant status updates from some linked service or simply filling your twitter stream with constant drivel… the Twitternator never tires, never sleeps and will never stop.

THE SENTENCE – deactivation (block and report) preferably involving time travel.

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4. The stalker

THE CHARGE – following with intent

One dead giveaway of the stalker is an imbalance between followers and followees. In extreme cases it’s a spambot using an automated follow tool to collect followers like Tesco ClubCard points. These are the phantom followers you have no idea where they came from, who they are and often vanish as quickly if you don’t follow back.

THE SENTENCE – an ASBO (otherwise known as ‘block’).

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5. The preacher

THE CHARGE – obtaining prophets by self-deception

The preacher is a self-declared guru who has an unholy craving for followers. You will find the priest delivering 140-character sermon after sermon from their Twitter pulpit all on the subject of their glorification. Don’t confuse the loathing of these false idols with the jealous sniping that the genuinely praiseworthy attract. The preacher won’t debate, see the points of others or admit mistakes (other than yours). It’s not a 2-way conversation, there’s no miraculous insights or practical advice… just holier-than-though rhetoric and raining brimstone down on unbelievers. It’s just not social.

THE SENTENCE – loss of followers